It’s Okay to Not Be Okay: Grieving the Life You Planned

There are some moments in life that split your story in two: before and after.

For me, one of those moments was losing my brother. Another came four months later when my dad passed away. I recorded my last Heal from the Hurt episode on February 2nd—just two days after my father’s passing—still in shock, still trying to convince myself that I could just keep going.

I thought I could keep showing up like nothing happened.I thought I could podcast my way through grief.

But grief doesn’t work like that.

When Life Changes Without Warning

My brother passed away on September 24th. Four months later, on January 30th, my dad passed too. Their deaths were sudden. No warning. No slow decline. Just… gone.

I had never experienced loss that close, that back-to-back. I didn’t understand the weight of it. I didn’t know how much it would take out of me not just mentally, but physically, spiritually, emotionally. So for the last year, I’ve been grieving. Trying to make peace. Trying to understand. Trying to accept the reality that I will not see my brother or my dad again in this lifetime.

And somewhere in that grief, I realized something:

The same kind of pain shows up after a breakup too.

Why Breakups Feel Like Death

When you’re in a relationship, you don’t just have a person—you have a future.

You have quiet plans and loud dreams:

• We’re going to travel together.

• We’re going to grow old together.

• We’ll retire together.

• This is my husband, this is my wife even if we haven’t said it out loud yet.

You build a whole life in your head, and sometimes in reality too. Then suddenly, like a death, the relationship ends. You didn’t plan for it. You weren’t ready. And now you’re standing in the ruins of what you thought your life would be.

It’s not just:

“We broke up.”

It’s:

“That version of my life is gone.”

That’s grief.

It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

We live in a world that wants you to bounce back by tomorrow.

You might even have that voice in your head telling you:

• I should be over this by now.

• I shouldn’t still be crying.

• Other people have it worse.

• I should be stronger than this.

I get it. After my dad passed, I was recording podcast episodes two or three days later, telling myself, I’m going to walk this out with you all. I wanted to be “on.” I wanted to be okay for everybody else.

But the truth? That wasn’t the time.

This is your reminder:You’re not supposed to be Superman or Superwoman the day after your heart breaks. You’re not a robot. You’ve lost something real. A person. A future. A version of yourself that existed in that relationship.

It is okay to rest. It is okay to admit, “I am not okay right now.”

Relearning Who You Are Without Them

One of my favorite movies is Runaway Bride. There’s a moment where the reporter asks all of her exes how she likes her eggs. Each one describes a different style—fried, scrambled, poached—because she always matched her preference to whatever they liked.

Sounds familiar?

Sometimes after a breakup, you realize:

• You don’t even know what you like anymore.

• You made their hobbies yours.

• You let their opinions override your voice.

Now that the relationship is over, you’re left staring at yourself like:

“Who am I without them? What do I like? What did I actually want?”

That’s part of the grief too not just losing them, but realizing you lost pieces of yourself along the way.

This is your chance to get to know you again.

When You Were Taught Not to Trust Yourself

For some of us, it wasn’t just a breakup. It was years of emotional manipulation and subtle abuse.

Maybe you were with someone who:

• Made you feel like every opinion you had was wrong.

• Argued with you about how you felt, then told you your emotions were “too much.”

• Blamed you for everything, so now you question yourself constantly.

Over time, that kind of relationship teaches you not to trust your own voice.

That’s where therapy became powerful for me. Sitting across from someone who:

• Actually listened

• Didn’t interrupt

• Didn’t make me feel crazy

To hear a therapist say, “You were being manipulated,” or “That was abuse,” is jarring. Because deep down you knew something wasn’t right, but you didn’t have the words. You didn’t have the vocabulary for what you were living through.

Sometimes you’re not “too sensitive.”You’re just finally in a safe place where your pain is being acknowledged.

Let It Out — Don’t Let It Kill You Inside

People around you may get tired of hearing about your breakup or your loss:

• “You’re still talking about that?”

• “Just move on already.”

• “Aren’t you over them yet?”

But here’s the truth:It’s better out than in.

Holding all of that pain inside?That’s what destroys you slowly.

You don’t have to bleed your heart out to everybody, but you do need a safe outlet:

• A therapist

• A trusted friend

• A journal

• Prayer time with God in the middle of the night

I remember waking up at 3–4 AM while my daughter slept, crying quietly in the dark. Fighting for my life emotionally, then going to work with a smile, acting like everything was fine. No one knew I was depressed. No one knew I was struggling.

So when I tell you, “I know how this feels,” I mean it.

This Is Not the End of Your Story

You can go from sharing a life with someone to being treated like a stranger overnight. They might ignore you. Act like you never existed. Replace you quickly. That does something to your heart. To your confidence. To your sense of worth.

But listen to me:

• This breakup is not a final verdict on your value.

• This loss is not the end of your story.

• This is not your last chance at love.

It doesn’t feel like it now, but this is the beginning of a new chapter. A chapter where:

• You learn who you are without performing for someone’s approval.

• You build a life based on what you want, not what they told you you were allowed to have.

• You realize you are worthy of a love that doesn’t require you to shrink.

You are loved. You are rare. You are not a mistake. You deserve a love that loves you back.

That breakup is not a loss. It’s a doorway into your new life.

Reflection & Journal Questions

You can add these at the end of your blog or use them for a free worksheet later.

1. Naming Your Grief

1. What exactly are you grieving right now

   • the person,

   • the relationship,

   • or the future you thought you would have with them?

2. If you had to write one sentence that starts with,

   “I thought we would…”what would you write?

3. How has this loss (or breakup) changed the way you see your future—for now?

2. Reclaiming Your Voice

4. In your last relationship, were there moments when you felt unheard, dismissed, or made to feel “too much”? Write about one specific moment.

5. Did you ever change your preferences, personality, or dreams just to keep the peace?

   • What’s one small thing you liked that you let go of because of them?

6. If you didn’t have to consider anyone else’s opinion right now, what’s one thing you would do differently with your life?

3. Learning What You Like

7. Think of the Runaway Bride example.What’s one “egg” in your life something simple like food, music, hobbies, or style where you adopted someone else’s preference and forgot your own?

8. Make a short list:

   • 3 things you genuinely enjoy

   • 3 things you thought you liked, but realize might have been someone else’s influence

4. Making Space to Heal

9. Where do you currently put your pain?

   • Do you bottle it up?

   • Vent on social media?

   • Talk to a friend?

   • Pray?

   • Numb out with TV, food, scrolling?

10. What would it look like to give yourself permission to not be okay for a while?(This might be resting more, crying without apologizing, taking a break, or going to therapy.)

11. Is there a safe person or space (friend, therapist, support group, journal, or faith practice) you could use more intentionally to process what you’re feeling?

5. Speaking Life Back Into Yourself

12. What lies about yourself did you start believing because of that relationship?(Examples: “I’m hard to love,” “I’m too much,” “No one else will want me.”)

13. Now rewrite those lies as truths:

    • “I am worthy of consistent love.”

    • “My emotions are valid.”

    • “There are people who will be grateful to love me.”

14. Finish this sentence:

    “Even though this hurts, I am beginning to believe that I still deserve…”